Dorian...Dorian...Dorian! Are you listening to Me? It is I, God, your Lord and Creator.
Wow! God? Like, capital G God? I always figured You were really just a creation of Man.
Would you put that bong down for two seconds and listen to Me or am I going to have to start burning bushes?
Okay, I'm sorry. What is it?
Well, frankly it's this whole "gay" thing. See, according to scripture I'm afraid that you're a sinner.
Well of course I am. We all are. You're the one who created me, aren't You?
What did I just finish telling you? Yes! All of the human race was created in My image.
Well then, I have to ask, why did You make me gay? Why did You make a tenth of the world gay for that matter?
Shit! I mean, that's no different than babies that are born addicts. You see, it all goes back to Original Sin...I think.
Sorry, but it's going to take more than that to convince me.
Well, you just better hope I don't go Sodom and Gomorrah on your ass! After all, they were gay! Weren't they?
I don't know. The Bible's so vague that they could be anything. The only specific thing I've ever heard mentioned is that they were hellbent on raping people, not that they were gay. Don't You remember? You were pretty biblical with them.
Not really. That was all so long ago. And I had a lot of anger issues before My Son was born. Oh, but what about "Thou shalt not lay with a man as thou lay with a woman?" That's in the Bible, isn't it?
Yeah, something like that, but I've got news for You, God. The way I lay with a man is completely different from the way I lay with a woman. I don't even lay with women. Seems to me that You're just telling the bisexuals to make up their damn minds.
Watch your language.
Sorry, God.
Anyway, that's not the point. If you have sex with a man than you can't have babies. And without babies how are we going to populate the earth? It's a waste of seed, and I know that's a sin.
Uh, God? Give or take, how many people were walking around when You wrote the Bible?
I don't know, maybe a few hundred million? Why, how many are there now?
I think we're on our way to 7 billion right now.
7 billion! How did you even fit that many people on there?
Well, we crammed a lot of them into China and India. So what are You saying? We've successfully populated the earth?
Populated? Of course. It's over -populated! No wonder I've always got a headache, all those people down there...
So would You say that my seed is probably unneeded at this time?
Unneeded? It's downright dangerous! I didn't make enough resources to support that kind of growth. We don't need seed, we need a harvest!
Well, before You start declaring the Apocalypse, how about this? Since we can't make kids, we'll adopt the unwanted ones and try to even things out. That is, as long as You don't mind that the kids are growing up with two dads.
Honestly, I can't even keep track anymore. There's kids with no parents, kids with one parent, kids with two pairs of parents...They're all equally screwed up, so what's the difference?
Wow, thanks God! So it's okay if I'm gay?
Sure, have sex with men. What do I care? After all, Eve was just a last resort I pulled out of Adam's--
Well, I'm sure You need to get going soon but I just have one more question. Is it okay for me to get married too?
Well, I would hope you at least try to for the sake of the child. Look, Marriage is a commitment, not some magical ritual that's going to make everything alright. If you're not meant to be married than you won't be for very long.
Sorry, God. Just one last question. What about AIDS? Did You make AIDS to kill gay people?
Look, that thing came from somebody having sex with a monkey. If you have sex with someone who has sex with monkeys, then at least protect yourself. I didn't create you people to be stupid.
Well actually, a lot of people say that protected sex is a sin. You know, goes back to that whole "waste of seed" thing.
Ugh. Give Me strength. Look, Dorian, I hate to show up, condemn you, forgive you and leave; but it looks like I've got my work cut out for Me for a while.
Oh no, I understand. Thanks for clearing everything up. I'll try to pray more often and go to church if You want.
It's no problem. Just be good and try not to be a dick to anybody and we're cool. Later, man.
Later, God.
