Full Frontal Prudity

While it may seem like dull college work, selling comic books can be more dangerous than expected. This month in Georgia a case was finally dropped against a comic shop owner who let a mature comic fall into the hands of minor back in 2004. The comic in question had a panel of an angry, naked Picasso answering the door in a true story of the artist's life, and was unfortunately put into a box of free comics that were handed out at a local parade. Even more unfortunate, the comic was given to a family of two boys, nine and six-years-old. As soon as the parents saw a penis in their boys' comic, they phoned the police, and the owner was charged with two felonies and five misdemeanors when the parents wouldn't just accept a formal apology. Luckily for Gordon Lee, the owner in question, the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, a non-profit group made for just such occasions, came to his rescue to cover all legal expenses, which reached nearly $100,000 in the battle. After plenty of delays and re-trials the case has finally been dropped and Legends Comics is still in business. It hit me pretty close to home for a number of reasons. One, my boss is the director of the CBLDF, a man who I never knew I had anything in common with besides a fondness for comics. Two, I know how easily a mature title can get mixed up with kids books. There's a lot of stuff in storage and it's a mess, and in the years I've worked there and all the parades I've been in, I know I've probably handed at least one "mature" title to a kid, but thank God it didn't have male nudity. Which brings me to my last point.

The legend of "fan-service", up-skirt or down-shirt shots of girls for the teen male audience, is not unfounded, especially in superhero comics that are acceptable for any age. Personally, it's always been amusing to me and it's perfectly harmless as long as you don't mind the demeaning of women. Recently Alan Moore, the eccentric comic-writer god, published a very controversial but highly praised comic called Lost Girls, that he himself has plainly described as pornography, a realm that he explored the same way he did with superheroes in Watchmen, and terrorism in V for Vendetta. And despite the fact that the three girls in the comic are 14-16 years old, no one but the odd kook seems to have a problem with it and it's generally stayed under the public radar. And yet, I can remember a comic that came out less than a year after called Spider-man Reign. The story takes place in the far future, where widowed 80-year-old Peter Parker must wear the mask one last time in a battle against the totalitarian dystopia of New York. The years and Mary Jane's death haven't been kind on him and his glory days are gone and forgotten. Yet as he falls asleep in a rat-infested hole, he sees only his angelic wife sleeping beside him. But when morning comes he wakes up alone, cold and naked. As he slowly aches out of bed you see a tiny, non-descript, flaccid 80-year-old lump. Because Marvel received so many complaints, the title became mature and the offending penis was removed from all future prints. The fact that enough people, primarily men, were determined to change a sad old Spider-man into a Ken Doll truly frightens me. I mean, is the human body itself really pornography? Doesn't the context have any say? Would we take off David's penis if we got the chance or clothe the Spirit of Justice without giving thought to why she's naked to begin with? (That last one was a trick question, John Ashcroft already did!)

Sex is normal. And not just normal but natural and beautiful and pleasurable. The human body is a marvel of engineering and architecture, and another sign of the beauty of nature or God's own image. Most children see a naked member of the opposite sex before middle school, whether it's their sibling, parent, or just from playing doctor. Nearly everyone already knows the story of the Birds and the Bees before their parents actually tell it. And unless you're married, you probably lost your virginity before your parents accepted it, even if you were 40. These are all universal moments of discovery that cannot be stopped or unlearned, so kids should be allowed to experience it and talk about it, especially with their parents. But the only way that's ever going to happen is if all taboos are open for discussion and not judgment. I know because my parents were on opposite sides of the spectrum. My dad was a paranoid schizophrenic born and raised Baptist, while my mom was a self-confessed nymphomaniac. My dad talked to me once about sex and once about homosexuality, the entire context of which can be summed up in 3 words, "Don't do it." So I'd talk to my mom instead, and while her openness would probably bother others, I'd say it's one of the reasons I'm as normal and fairly well-adjusted as I am. I could talk to her about anything, and I did, something that a lot of parents only wish they could say. Because my mom taught me about sex and all it's benefits and risks, I never had unprotected sex or got anyone pregnant or anything stupid. But because of my dad's overt reactions to sex, I spent years of confusion and pain trying to come up with any answer to my sexuality other than the simplest, I'm just gay. Luckily, because of my mom's open mind, I was able to slowly chip away at years of hatred to reveal my true self. And while the thought of a gay son may terrify some, at least I'm also a happy, loving, and trusting son.

It may just be my perception, but anti-porn rules usually end up being used to enforce anti-gay sentiment. My first encounter with this was in my home town of less than 30,000. The only real book store was two miles from my house, but well worth the trip. It was huge, had a coffee house to read in, and a more diverse selection than the local library. Around the same time that Pokemon Tournaments filled the cafe every Saturday some new titles were added that got the attention of the church and myself. In the Erotic section were two books about homosexuality. Books, meaning with little or no pictures. A week later in church we got to hear about the "pornography" that was being peddled by the Books-A-Million, and urged to boycott them until they removed it. Just think of the children! And Books-A-Million did, they moved the Erotic section to an area of the store that could be roped off for adults only, but it turns out that wasn't enough. That's when the real ugliness came out. It wasn't ever about the Erotic section, they just wanted those faggot books out of their town. But the book store didn't budge. They refused to be bullied or censored. They defiantly stood up for their customers, even if they were hated in this tiny town. So, of course, they shut down a few years later. It was the first time I can ever remember actually hating a church. Books were my lifeline, and all because of one belief they took them away from me and everyone else, just to protect us from the gays. In Indiana a new law has been passed that makes it a felony to sell "sexually explicit material" to anyone under 13. Not just pornography, but theoretically sex-ed books, books on Greek mythology, the law has no concrete definition. Nobody's been hit with it yet, and the local booksellers are already taking it to the Supreme Court, but you can bet that if some kid sees a penis, some heads are going to roll.

I can't force anyone to accept sex as a normal part of life. And I would never want to, it should be something you discover on your own. But on the same side, don't tie up our courts over trivial bullshit and start a witch hunt over people who appreciate literature and respect individual choice. If you're really worried about what your kids are reading then why not talk to them about it. Explain to them with solid arguments why something is unacceptable and then let them defend it. If it's forbidden it'll just be more tempting to defy you and read behind your back. I suppose if your goal in life is to raise sheltered, naive, sexually-neutered children that's your business. But it's not the government's job, it's not the publisher's job, it's not the clerk's job, it's your job. And if you find your son looking at a penis despite all your efforts, it's your own damn fault.

A brief discussion with God.

Dorian...Dorian...Dorian! Are you listening to Me? It is I, God, your Lord and Creator.

Wow! God? Like, capital G God? I always figured You were really just a creation of Man.

Would you put that bong down for two seconds and listen to Me or am I going to have to start burning bushes?

Okay, I'm sorry. What is it?

Well, frankly it's this whole "gay" thing. See, according to scripture I'm afraid that you're a sinner.

Well of course I am. We all are. You're the one who created me, aren't You?

What did I just finish telling you? Yes! All of the human race was created in My image.

Well then, I have to ask, why did You make me gay? Why did You make a tenth of the world gay for that matter?

Shit! I mean, that's no different than babies that are born addicts. You see, it all goes back to Original Sin...I think.

Sorry, but it's going to take more than that to convince me.

Well, you just better hope I don't go Sodom and Gomorrah on your ass! After all, they were gay! Weren't they?

I don't know. The Bible's so vague that they could be anything. The only specific thing I've ever heard mentioned is that they were hellbent on raping people, not that they were gay. Don't You remember? You were pretty biblical with them.

Not really. That was all so long ago. And I had a lot of anger issues before My Son was born. Oh, but what about "Thou shalt not lay with a man as thou lay with a woman?" That's in the Bible, isn't it?

Yeah, something like that, but I've got news for You, God. The way I lay with a man is completely different from the way I lay with a woman. I don't even lay with women. Seems to me that You're just telling the bisexuals to make up their damn minds.

Watch your language.

Sorry, God.

Anyway, that's not the point. If you have sex with a man than you can't have babies. And without babies how are we going to populate the earth? It's a waste of seed, and I know that's a sin.

Uh, God? Give or take, how many people were walking around when You wrote the Bible?

I don't know, maybe a few hundred million? Why, how many are there now?

I think we're on our way to 7 billion right now.

7 billion! How did you even fit that many people on there?

Well, we crammed a lot of them into China and India. So what are You saying? We've successfully populated the earth?

Populated? Of course. It's over -populated! No wonder I've always got a headache, all those people down there...

So would You say that my seed is probably unneeded at this time?

Unneeded? It's downright dangerous! I didn't make enough resources to support that kind of growth. We don't need seed, we need a harvest!

Well, before You start declaring the Apocalypse, how about this? Since we can't make kids, we'll adopt the unwanted ones and try to even things out. That is, as long as You don't mind that the kids are growing up with two dads.

Honestly, I can't even keep track anymore. There's kids with no parents, kids with one parent, kids with two pairs of parents...They're all equally screwed up, so what's the difference?

Wow, thanks God! So it's okay if I'm gay?

Sure, have sex with men. What do I care? After all, Eve was just a last resort I pulled out of Adam's--

Well, I'm sure You need to get going soon but I just have one more question. Is it okay for me to get married too?

Well, I would hope you at least try to for the sake of the child. Look, Marriage is a commitment, not some magical ritual that's going to make everything alright. If you're not meant to be married than you won't be for very long.

Sorry, God. Just one last question. What about AIDS? Did You make AIDS to kill gay people?

Look, that thing came from somebody having sex with a monkey. If you have sex with someone who has sex with monkeys, then at least protect yourself. I didn't create you people to be stupid.

Well actually, a lot of people say that protected sex is a sin. You know, goes back to that whole "waste of seed" thing.

Ugh. Give Me strength. Look, Dorian, I hate to show up, condemn you, forgive you and leave; but it looks like I've got my work cut out for Me for a while.

Oh no, I understand. Thanks for clearing everything up. I'll try to pray more often and go to church if You want.

It's no problem. Just be good and try not to be a dick to anybody and we're cool. Later, man.

Later, God.

Double Standards

"There are an awful lot of gays in comics these days."

It's not quite how I would put it but my customers are right. Ever since we've been allowed to get married and be on television, comic characters have started coming out. Nobody famous and obvious, like Batman or Wonder Woman, another rant for another time. Instead, DC created Batwoman, the love interest of Renee Montoya, a former cop for Gotham City. Marvel's biggest gay names are Wiccan & Hulkling and the Ultimate version of Colossus. When I first learned about all these gay characters in comics I became excited and started grabbing any appearance I could find. But something was seriously off. The relationships are far from physical, romantic, or even normal. Not once have I seen two gay characters say, "I love you," or kiss or even hold hands. Lesbians can get away with physical affection, but only because it's considered a "fan service". It seems to me that either there are no gay writers (*cough, cough*) or the public is trying to include the homo without the sex.

There's plenty of gay characters on TV. They fix hair, act effeminate for cheap laughs and occasionally get angry at the world, but no one seems to want to let the cat out of the bag that we're actually surprisingly normal. No, just focus on the stereotypes. Nevermind that we date, love and, yes, fuck just like everyone else. That makes some people uncomfortable. So instead, we become some kind of creepy, neutered, sexless gender. If a boy and girl kiss it's not even worth a PG rating at the box office, but as soon as two boys get involved it's lucky if you can keep it at R. Flash all the girls' boobs you want, we'll make sure the 17-year-olds get their fill. But if there's any male nudity, you'd better be ready to start promoting at venues with "Adult" in the name. It takes me back to high school, when our theatre caused an uproar by producing a gay farce. One of the boys pretends to be a girl so his parents won't know he's gay, hilarity ensues, etc. We were allowed to do it, but under strict guidelines from the school board:

1. No physical contact lasting more than 3 seconds.
2. No kissing of any kind.
3. No hands allowed below or on the waist.
4. Hugging is acceptable, provided that both pairs of arms are kept at shoulder level.
5. While seated, a hand may be placed on the knee, but not around the shoulder.
6. No distasteful gesturing of any kind will be tolerated.

Now, was any of this enforced on the straight couple? Of course not. Hell, they had a make-out scene on top of the kitchen counter if I remember correctly. Though that was partly our director's way of getting a dig at the school board. And did they have any objections to dressing in drag? No, because it's funny. Well, I've got news for the world. Not only do gays do everything, and I mean everything, that breeders do, we do more than most would dare to even dream. Just something to think about when you start feeling progressive just for having a minor gay character. We're not impressed and you're not learning anything until sex is allowed to be a part of homosexuality.

Biblical Ravings

When asked about Christianity I always say, "I love Jesus, just not religion." God has had a powerful impact on my life whether he actually exists or not. The belief that there was always someone who would love me for who I was got me through some hard times in childhood, but the Church and it's goers have always pushed me away for one reason or another: divorced parents, playing an instrument, asking questions and of course, being gay. The mob mentality of churches and organized religion in general seems counter-intuitive. Let's not forget that Jesus was a rebel, hated by many of his own faith for questioning old ways, rejecting obsolete rules, and establishing a personal relationship with God. Whether or not he was actually the son of God is irrelevant; we are all the son of God, after all. But saying so made him a blasphemer and a heretic and a dead man. And the sad thing is we're still crucifying each other every day.

The most fundamental and important story of the Bible, in my opinion, is often glanced over as merely a creationist fairy tale with no real lessons to be learned. Adam and Eve are used to teach about the evils of temptation and the consequences they carry. God said don't eat the fruit, Eve did anyway, God got mad and threw them out. The real lesson, however, is that we are not fit to label sin. When Adam and Eve were first created God literally gave them the world. The only catch was they were not worthy to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Right and Wrong. Pretty soon Satan appeared in the form of a snake and tempted Eve, "Why should God be the only one with moral judgment? If you knew what was Wrong in the world you could make everything Right, and wouldn't that make God happy? Surely it's the Right thing to do?" Contrary to popular belief, that was the moment Eve gained the knowledge of Right and Wrong. The fruit and it's violation are merely a symbol to drive the point home. By going against God in order to please him she had become the first Evangelist, next going to Adam and converting him. Then they decided that nudity, the symbol of sex, freedom and truth, was a sin. Which was how God found out and became so furious he cast them out of the Garden forever, because they had become their own gods, but wouldn't commit to it. Never did they say I believe nudity is wrong. It's always God who gets everything declared in his name. God hates fags. God bless America. It's God's will. Here's an idea. If you believe in something, be it good or bad, then just own up to it.

Throwing Bible quotes into an argument does nothing to get your point across because, like any other book, we all interpret the Bible differently. There are already hundreds of different translations in English alone. Whatever part of the Bible may have been written by God, it has long since become unrecognizable. It is written by man and should be treated as such. Who's to say that God and happiness can't be found elsewhere? Personally speaking I've found Love with Jesus, Acceptance with Taoism, Serenity with Buddha, Inspiration with Odin, Self-Reflection with Divination and Prayer with Romany Magic. I don't know that any of them are "real", and anyone who claims otherwise is too scared to admit all the possibilities that are out there. But it's not only religions that have made me a better person. "Sins" have helped me too, just as they've helped everyone. I learned to stand up for myself from Anger. Sloth keeps me relaxed. Greed motivates me to better myself. Envy gives me something to work for. Gluttony keeps my eyes open. Lust has revealed my true nature and Pride keeps me looking and feeling good. No matter what the experience, I acknowledge it and I learn from it. To do otherwise is an injustice to yourself and everyone around you.

Oscar Wilde said it best, "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it." Within reason, that is. Take alcoholism. Say drinking makes you happy. Really happy. So happy your family and friends become concerned. So you go to rehab, attend AA meetings, don't touch a drink for 10 years, and everyone congratulates you on your hard work. But the fact is, if drinking makes you happy then completely avoiding it gives alcohol just as much control over your life as it had before. You stop going to bars or any parties with alcohol. You judge those around you that do drink and try to convince them to give it up too. And eventually you steal a drink, alone and ashamed of what you've done, and pretty soon you're right back where you started. If having a beer now and again weren't out of the question, you'd be able to enjoy what you like without going off the deep end. Calling something evil or sinful doesn't make the temptation go away. It only adds feelings of guilt, shame, secrecy and self-loathing to the mix. Instead, try to expand the vocabulary a little. If you can't replace "wrong" or "evil" with something else, then it's probably safe to scratch that sin from the list. Drinking can be irresponsible, murder is hateful, you get the idea. The point is if we could just back down from this whole you/me, black/white, good/bad view of the world we were given we might be amazed to see just how much is there. This is our Garden of Eden. God created us to tend to it and use it and love it. All he asks, is that you don't eat from this one tree. Talk about resisting temptation.