Ballet is for Girls

Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to the age-old question: What makes you gay? I know, I know, nature vs. nurture, it never ends. But, looking back on my life I've been finding little "signs" that weren't so strange then, but explain an awful lot now. It's led me to believe that my roommate Greg has come up with the perfect answer. We were talking about how gays and lesbians still end up sticking to gender roles for the most part, we just happen to be the same sex. He just cracked open a beer and said "Here's the way I've always thought of it. Your genes determine whether your gay or straight, but your upbringing determines whether you're the man in the relationship or the woman." Okay, sure there are probably a few flaws, but the logic of it is certainly appealing, and it all makes sense. I've been very close to women all my life, from being watched by my aunts, grandmas and mom as a toddler to the girls I played with in elementary school. This was even considered a warning sign in my school, who put me in an after school class with boys who either played with girls or themselves. They seemed to fear that I was gender-confused, but that's never been the case. I've always known I was a boy, but I didn't know why I liked to do things girls did. Perhaps the best memory to bring this to light is my little sister's first ballet recital. I've always loved ballet since I first saw The Nutcracker in kindergarten. So much, in fact, that I made my mother take me to see it again. But a few years later when I saw my sister and all the other girls leaping and dancing I realized that normal people could learn ballet. It wasn't some great secret, just a class that you could take instead of soccer. But then, I heard another voice say, "Boys can't take ballet." And God help me, I started crying. I was a 9-year-old boy bawling in the middle of a theatre, and my poor grandma put down her camcorder and asked me what was wrong. Between the sobs all I managed to get out was, "I wish I could dance like that." And yet, somehow my grandma seemed to know exactly what was really going on. "Well, of course you can," she said while leaning down to hug me, "Boys can learn ballet too. Otherwise, who would throw the girls?" I settled down after that and watched the rest of the show. I never did take the class, and my grandma never brought it up again. It's the first time I can ever remember denying myself of anything just because it was "for girls". But unfortunately it was the first of many.