Bite Back.

At this point Friday was easily my favorite day of the week. For one, it meant a weekly class trip to the library and thus a new book. And if I was lucky, it was mom's weekend to have Kei and me. But this particular Friday was not one of them, and seemingly just to drive the point home it rained all morning. However, we were "allowed" to play outside during recess anyway. I had my new book, so I found a dry piece of blacktop next to the PE building and got comfortable. Unfortunately, the boys decided they'd play basketball since the field was muddy. I went unnoticed until Hunter decided to change up the sport a little.

"What you got there, Shorty?"
The others guffawed stupidly, but I kept my eyes on my book and didn't move. Hunter became bolder as the crowd of boys around us began to thicken.

"Didn't you hear me? Why ain't you skipping rope or something with the girls over there?"
I didn't move or say anything, didn't even look at him. Just kept my eyes on my book. The crowd was starting to get restless and bored. My plan was working. At least it was until Hunter threw his basketball at my book, knocking it to the ground. The crowd was roaring with laughter once again. Without my book I couldn't hide my face, and thus couldn't conceal my anger. I was so angry that tears began to stream from my eyes, which only made matters worse.

"Cry for your book, nerd!"

"He's crying! Oh my god!"

"What a girl!"
I stood up to get my book and leave, but instead Hunter shoved me into a nearby puddle, and before I could even begin to stand my book was kicked into my face. My stomach twisted, my heart began beating a war drum inside me, my teeth clenched up, my muscles tensed, and my mind was gone. The only way to describe it comes from one of my favorite superheroes at the time; someone else who was extremely short, got picked on for it, and got even for it. Images of Wolverine in one of his "berserker rages" went through my head as I launched myself at Hunter. Hunter the athlete, who was at least a foot taller than me and probably had at least 50 pounds on me, not to mention a crowd of supporters. But that didn't matter, I butted his stomach with my head and he fell onto the wet concrete. I was on top of him, punching any part of his body I could find and cursing a blue streak even my grandmother could be proud of. The boys were laughing again, but I didn't know why until Hunter's fist connected with my head. I fell off of Hunter and now he had me in a sleeper hold. He stood up and pulled my feet off the ground with him. I could feel my face redden with anger and partial suffocation. I couldn't get out, I just struggled and dangled as the boys redoubled their cheers in the seeming victory. I had to get free and get out of here. My arms were useless, my legs were useless, I couldn't even move my head and my mouth was covered by Hunter's arm. So I ripped into his forearm as hard as I could. He yelped and dropped me, and this time there were no cheers or laughter. Just the sound of me gasping for breath while Hunter stared at the blood dripping from his right arm. Trent and the others rushed to his side and started migrating back to the school building. I didn't know if they were going for a teacher or the nurse, but I knew I was in serious trouble.

I don't know that there's anything more frustrating than being a kid talked down to by self-righteous adults.

"Why were you fighting, Dorian?"

"I wasn't fighting, I was reading a book until they came along."

"Well, I've got 20 boys outside who all say you started it.

"And they're all Hunter's friends. What does that tell you?"

"I don't appreciate your attitude, young man."

"Well, I'm sorry ma'am, but I was just minding my own business when they came over and shoved me in the mud."

"You should have told a teacher and let them handle it."

"I couldn't. I was surrounded by 20 boys."

"Well it doesn't matter. It takes two people to start a fight, so you're both in trouble."

"What was I supposed to do? Let him choke me?"

"I don't want to hear any more about it. I'm calling your parents and sending you home."
She began to dial her phone in the most menacing way possible. I wasn't worried, because I knew I had done nothing wrong. I would accept any punishment because it was worth it just to see that look on Hunter's face. The injuries hadn't been serious, we were only kids after all, but for some reason the fact that I bit someone was a very serious matter.

"Can I go talk to the counselor, please?"

"No, you need to sit out in the hall and wait for your parents to get here. Why do you want to see Mr. White?"

"Because he listens to me."

Boys are stupid.

I've always made friends easily in life, just usually not the ones I was supposed to. The first school friend I can remember making was Donny in 1st grade. I was so short people often thought I was still a toddler and I could already read and write so I ruined the class dynamic right away. Donny was black, deaf and retarded. I had been learning sign language with my mom over the summer while she tutored the deaf for her college. So when I actually saw someone my age signing I was thrilled to have someone to "talk" to and he felt the same way. I honestly can't remember much about our friendship. We both liked Batman and playing on the swings at recess. I quickly began to doubt the "retarded" diagnosis. He was a little slow sometimes, but he was just like any other kid out there. Most perplexing was the praise I was given for being his friend. He didn't tease me and I didn't tease him, that's all you need for friendship when you're 6.

By the time I made it to 4th grade I had really hit my stride. All the short jokes the kids could come up with had already been done over the years and I was finally getting attention from a teacher who didn't punish me for being ahead of the class. Her name was Miss Funk. She had a great teaching style that only a new graduate can bring: a combination of kindergarten togetherness and participation along with an adult amount of respect and interest. We'd build chains of paper that represented strands of DNA. We acted out short stories and then sat in a circle and discussed them. Even multiplication tables were done with a couple of game show buzzers and bite-sized candy for prizes. But then, the divorce happened. All I had left of my favorite class was a giant piece of butcher paper in my favorite shade of robin's egg blue. "We'll Miss You, Dorian!" it said in a big rainbow of color across the middle. Everywhere else in black marker were words of encouragement, compliments, and goodbyes. "You're so smart and funny." "Make lots of friends at your new school!" And underneath Miss Funk's pep-talk were four words I had heard but never put together before: "Don't worry. Be happy."

But those words were easier said than done. Especially in this new town. The school consisted of two separate buildings, each one a long hallway with classrooms on either side. The smaller building was for the Kindergarten and 1st grade classes, and was were my sister went to school. The bigger building had 2nd-5th grade classes, generally with just one or two teachers to a grade. There was also the cafetorium, where good students were allowed to eat on the stage with the principal during lunch and the library, with one of the nicest librarians I had ever met. The two buildings ran parallel to each other until the kindergarten building ran short. The remainder of this space was filled with the playgrounds and the new PE building. I quickly learned that the main difference between an inner-city school and a small town school is viciousness. In the city, kids weren't too concerned with your problems because they had plenty of their own. But here everyone knew everyone. Unless they didn't know you, in which case you were not to be trusted. But somehow, they still had a knack for finding out your personal business. "See that short kid? He lives down the street from the school." "I heard he was too smart for The City to teach him so they had to move here." "If he's so smart, why hasn't he already learned cursive?" "His grandma goes to my church and my dad says he's from a broken home." "I heard he doesn't even have a mom." "No, he does, but she lives with another woman." "My dad says that's evil."

The boys of my class all played together under the rule of Trent and Hunter, the two "cool" kids who always knew what was best because they were the best athletes. The boys played soccer during recess and when I turned down the offer on my first day I became an instant outcast. So I spent much of my recess reading books from the library and sitting in places where other kids weren't likely to bother me. Today I was in the middle of the merry-go-round reading Ramona the Brave. I'd already finished all of the Roald Dahl I could find, and since I told her that Matilda was my favorite the librarian had lead me to Beverly Cleary. Deep in my book, I was surprised to find two blond pigtails reading over my shoulder.
"I have that book! Do you like it?"
I was still in a state of shock, but when I realized it was just Elizabeth from class and not someone else I relaxed.
"Yeah, it's really funny. This is my 3rd Ramona book so far."
She looked over at the blacktop nearby where several other girls were waiting, including Amy and Amber who I recognized from class. They must have been waiting for Elizabeth to scope me out because they quickly joined us once she waved them over. The merry-go-round had 6 handles and was divided into 3 colors: red, blue, and yellow. I sat in the middle with Elizabeth on the red slice behind me, Amy sat down on blue, Amber on yellow and a few more girls filling in the gaps who I didn't recognize.
"Why are you reading a girl's book?" Amber asked just as she sat down. I clutched the book to my chest for fear they might take it, "Just 'cause it's about a girl doesn't mean I can't read it, too!" Amy let one of her legs drag through the dirt as the wind lazily spun us.
"Why don't you play soccer or basketball with the boys?"
"Because boys are stupid. And I hate sports."
"But you are a boy!"
"So? I'm not stupid."
This proclamation seemed to hang in the air just as Trent scored a goal over at the soccer field. The boys all cheered, despite the fact that there was no goalie and no actual "goal" to speak of, seemingly proving my point.
"Do you want to help us push?" Elizabeth was off the merry-go-round, her hands on the rails and ready to go.
"What do I do with my book?" I asked. The girls giggled until Amy replied, "Why don't we set it down over here where it can't get dirty?" indicating the edge of the dirt-box we were in.
"Okay."

We spent the rest of recess running, spinning and laughing, particularly at the boys. For the next few weeks life was good, on the playground at least. I couldn't do anything that was strictly "girls only" such as eat lunch together or hang out after school, but I was the only boy they ever allowed to play with them and I took it as a great compliment. I was always willing to be the dad when we played house, I was the best at hopscotch, and I knew just as many clap-songs as the rest of them thanks to my sister, such as "Miss Mary Mack", "The Baby in the Bathtub" and the mildly explicit "Hell-o Operator." Of course, none of this went unnoticed by the boys. Now I was the short sissy kid who read too much and played with girls.

Something was bound to happen.

Life, the Universe, and Everything.

Maybe it's the laziness brought about by the summer air, maybe it's the unity shared after going through a wedding together, or maybe our weed's just gotten a lot better, but for whatever reason there's been a lot of philosophizing going on in our house. I've never really tried to explain my spirituality to anybody before, not even myself. It's always just been something I've known and felt, but I feel like writing it all down will really help me tie it all together. So here goes:

I guess the best place to start would be the beginning of Everything. Some call it The Big Bang, some say that God spoke, but for whatever reason the Universe sprang into existence. Out of all the planets and stars was at least one special planet where Everything aligned just right. Over millions of years of chemical reactions water and oxygen hit just the right level. And then, Everything aligned just right again and Life was born. It wasn't a lot, just the most basic of cells, but millions of years of evolution eventually led to the world and all the species we know today. Yes, I believe in evolution. I also believe in creationism, though I would never actually phrase it that way. It's just my belief that the odds against it all are just too astronomical to not believe there was some kind of divine guidance. But I also don't think the human race or the earth or even the Universe for that matter are nearly as important to this "God" as we like to think. It all feels more like a science experiment to me, an infinitely complex and fascinating experiment that none of us can even begin to comprehend...yet.

I don't worship or depend on a God, despite the fact that I believe He exists. It is my belief that it is up to the Human Race to redeem itself. The first spark made by the first early tools that gave way to Fire have benefited all of the Human Race from that moment forward. Who's to say that "God" didn't put that funny shaped rock in front of that particular human who just last week saw a lightening bolt strike a tree and noticed the heat coming off the resulting fire? We know that Moses, Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha and all the rest of our "prophets" were all genuine, in-the-flesh people. Moses was a man who freed his people from slavery. Did God really talk to him from a burning bush? Did he really part the Red Seas to make his great escape? It doesn't matter, but what does matter is that from that day forward the Jews were their own people. Jesus was a hippie who walked the earth preaching love, forgiveness, and redemption. This pissed some people off and he was killed. Did he really rise from the dead three days later? Was he really the son of God? Again, it doesn't matter. His existence has caused more love and more destruction across the world than anyone else to date. But what about the men of science? Can we not learn just as much about Life from them? Leonardo da Vinci, Isaac Newton, Benjamin Franklin, Charles Darwin. All these men have advanced our species by leaps and bounds just from their thoughts and ideas. Darwin serves as the best example because he was fully aware of what his discovery would mean to so many people. Here's this kid fresh out of college who goes on a cruise and writes his observations and sketches down as they go from island to island. At some point, something clicked and he started putting it all together and interconnecting it all and suddenly Life all made sense. And he was terrified. Who wouldn't be? But he sucked it up and published his book and sure enough, all hell broke loose. But because of that idea we've been able to build more and more ideas on top of those, including the thoughts going through my head and onto this screen right now. His theory of Evolution was another stepping point in our Evolution. Which brings me around to what this whole mess really all boils down to.

Nirvana, Heaven, Enlightenment. There's a lot of different words for it but it all boils down to the same thing, death. What happens to us after we die? Does our spirit live on or do we just rot in the ground? We don't know. It's just that simple. It's my personal belief that we are reincarnated, but not in the traditional sense of trading out your old body for a new one. But instead, I believe our actions and our thoughts and our ideas all continue to live on long after our bodies. It's the reaction that other people have to you that causes reincarnation. People take your ideas and build on top of them until they come up with their own ideas, which are passed on to other people and so on and so forth. It evolves and changes but the root of it all is still there. Eventually with enough time and enough inspiration and enough ideas I believe we will ultimately create Heaven. Life isn't about what happens in the afterlife, it's about Life!

It's because of this ultimate goal that I believe in complete freedom of speech and thought. Who are we to say that anything is worthless? Your Life is part of the Universe and Everything else whether you acknowledge it or not. There is no such thing as a "bad" or "evil" or "sinful" experience when you look at the bigger picture; Hitler was one of the most sadistic people to walk the Earth, but in uniting against him the Earth came together. There's no sense in wondering about why bad things happen, but instead just accept that they have happened and build on top of it. Never deny yourself, because you never know when your contribution to the Human Race will present itself. Open your mind and accept everything that goes in there and don't be afraid of what comes out. It might be ugly at first, but don't try to force your inspiration out. Give it time, patience, and just a pinch of faith. The real irony is, most of us will probably never know what our contribution to society is. That's okay. Just take pride in the fact that your Life does matter, as does Everything in the Universe.

Opportunity of Equality

When was the last time you can remember your preacher railing against inter-racial relationships? Have you ever seen a daytime talk show try to cure someone of their religion? How about a constitutional ban against the handicapped? Of course not, this is the land of Equal Opportunity. Nobody can be discriminated against, regardless of age, color, creed, disability, race, religion, or sex. And if they do, they'll have a lot of people to answer to. But you know what my boss can do to me at anytime? Walk right up to me and say, "I just heard you're gay. You're fired." And I wouldn't have a legal leg to stand on. Why?

People say it's because nobody really knows whether sexual orientation is genetic or learned. I mean, we only just discovered that it isn't a psychological disease! After all, maybe people just choose to alienate themselves and go through hell and back just trying to feel like a normal person. Well, even if that is the case, what about religion? If I can't fire you for being Christian, then you can't fire me for being gay. It is as simple as that. And since we have separation of Church and State, and there's nothing outside of religion that makes homosexuality "wrong", what exactly is the legal conundrum here? Last time I checked, this country was about protection for everyone, no matter how hated or weird they might be. So tell me, why have I seen the President of this great country lead a personal attack against me and 1/10th of the country? Does he actually think that us getting married and living happy lives together is really going to destroy the Breeders next door? Perhaps he's just worried about the biggest, scariest monster the Religious Right has ever seen: The Homosexual Agenda.

Since I've come out of the closet, I've been expecting my communist literature and anarchist cookbook to arrive any day now. In the mean time, though, I have my own agenda.

I will conspire to be a good person, and prove to people on a one-on-one basis of my humanity.

I am prepared to rebel against any law I see as unjust or hateful.

I am dedicated to making tomorrow a better day for us all, no matter how many religious nuts I piss off along the way.

There you are, the conspiracy is over. Now can we all act like adults and at least respect one another if we can't agree? You keep your religion out of my government and I'll keep myself out of your church.

Hidden History

Today I saw a documentary about Bayard Rustin, a non-violent political activist who arguably started the civil rights movement with his actions in the 40s. This man did the same move as Rosa Parks back in 1947 and was the man who taught Martin Luther King, Jr. how to fully embrace non-violence. He also organized the 1963 March on Washington, the largest gathering of it's kind where MLK gave his famous speech. So I have to ask, why have I never heard of him until now?

The sad truth is this man has been kept out of the history books because he's gay. Even back in the 40s he was occasionally forced to work in the background because he was open and proud. But the fact that someone so inspiring can nearly disappear from memory because of one aspect of his life is not unusual. It's a trend I've noticed throughout my public education. Were it not for my name and theatre teacher, I would never have heard of Oscar Wilde, let alone about his works or trials. Leonardo da Vinci is too big to be ignored, but his "alleged homosexuality" is still controversial. Same thing goes for Shakespeare and Alexander the Great among who knows how many others. Even more modern events like the Stonewall Riots are impossible to find literature on. But even if I had to wait 21 years to hear about Bayard Rustin, I'm glad I did. He bridges the gap between race rights and gay rights, even saying in 1987 "The barometer of where one is on human rights questions is no longer the black community, it's the gay community. Because it is the community which is most easily mistreated." But that doesn't mean we wait around and hope for a better future. He also said that when you see an injustice you must act, against any odds, and you must act with your body to get things done. If you say "There's nothing I can do, I'm just one person," then you've accepted it and allowed it to happen. It all goes back to what I've been thinking about symbolic support, it may make you feel better but it accomplishes nothing. If we want equal rights we can't ask for it timidly and politely, we have to demand it. And if they refuse we have to react.

Bayard explained non-violence in a way that really clicked with me: The idea is not to avoid conflict, but to confront it; to turn a violent conflict into a creative conflict is the ultimate goal. I realize now that I have a responsibility to my community to never be ashamed of who I am, to stand up and fight injustice, and to ensure that my voice is heard. No matter what barrage of controversy, hatred, scandalism or misguided morality. Because it's going to take a lot more people like Bayard to get him into the history books. Perhaps then it will be easier to admit that a gay man can do great things.

Full Frontal Prudity

While it may seem like dull college work, selling comic books can be more dangerous than expected. This month in Georgia a case was finally dropped against a comic shop owner who let a mature comic fall into the hands of minor back in 2004. The comic in question had a panel of an angry, naked Picasso answering the door in a true story of the artist's life, and was unfortunately put into a box of free comics that were handed out at a local parade. Even more unfortunate, the comic was given to a family of two boys, nine and six-years-old. As soon as the parents saw a penis in their boys' comic, they phoned the police, and the owner was charged with two felonies and five misdemeanors when the parents wouldn't just accept a formal apology. Luckily for Gordon Lee, the owner in question, the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, a non-profit group made for just such occasions, came to his rescue to cover all legal expenses, which reached nearly $100,000 in the battle. After plenty of delays and re-trials the case has finally been dropped and Legends Comics is still in business. It hit me pretty close to home for a number of reasons. One, my boss is the director of the CBLDF, a man who I never knew I had anything in common with besides a fondness for comics. Two, I know how easily a mature title can get mixed up with kids books. There's a lot of stuff in storage and it's a mess, and in the years I've worked there and all the parades I've been in, I know I've probably handed at least one "mature" title to a kid, but thank God it didn't have male nudity. Which brings me to my last point.

The legend of "fan-service", up-skirt or down-shirt shots of girls for the teen male audience, is not unfounded, especially in superhero comics that are acceptable for any age. Personally, it's always been amusing to me and it's perfectly harmless as long as you don't mind the demeaning of women. Recently Alan Moore, the eccentric comic-writer god, published a very controversial but highly praised comic called Lost Girls, that he himself has plainly described as pornography, a realm that he explored the same way he did with superheroes in Watchmen, and terrorism in V for Vendetta. And despite the fact that the three girls in the comic are 14-16 years old, no one but the odd kook seems to have a problem with it and it's generally stayed under the public radar. And yet, I can remember a comic that came out less than a year after called Spider-man Reign. The story takes place in the far future, where widowed 80-year-old Peter Parker must wear the mask one last time in a battle against the totalitarian dystopia of New York. The years and Mary Jane's death haven't been kind on him and his glory days are gone and forgotten. Yet as he falls asleep in a rat-infested hole, he sees only his angelic wife sleeping beside him. But when morning comes he wakes up alone, cold and naked. As he slowly aches out of bed you see a tiny, non-descript, flaccid 80-year-old lump. Because Marvel received so many complaints, the title became mature and the offending penis was removed from all future prints. The fact that enough people, primarily men, were determined to change a sad old Spider-man into a Ken Doll truly frightens me. I mean, is the human body itself really pornography? Doesn't the context have any say? Would we take off David's penis if we got the chance or clothe the Spirit of Justice without giving thought to why she's naked to begin with? (That last one was a trick question, John Ashcroft already did!)

Sex is normal. And not just normal but natural and beautiful and pleasurable. The human body is a marvel of engineering and architecture, and another sign of the beauty of nature or God's own image. Most children see a naked member of the opposite sex before middle school, whether it's their sibling, parent, or just from playing doctor. Nearly everyone already knows the story of the Birds and the Bees before their parents actually tell it. And unless you're married, you probably lost your virginity before your parents accepted it, even if you were 40. These are all universal moments of discovery that cannot be stopped or unlearned, so kids should be allowed to experience it and talk about it, especially with their parents. But the only way that's ever going to happen is if all taboos are open for discussion and not judgment. I know because my parents were on opposite sides of the spectrum. My dad was a paranoid schizophrenic born and raised Baptist, while my mom was a self-confessed nymphomaniac. My dad talked to me once about sex and once about homosexuality, the entire context of which can be summed up in 3 words, "Don't do it." So I'd talk to my mom instead, and while her openness would probably bother others, I'd say it's one of the reasons I'm as normal and fairly well-adjusted as I am. I could talk to her about anything, and I did, something that a lot of parents only wish they could say. Because my mom taught me about sex and all it's benefits and risks, I never had unprotected sex or got anyone pregnant or anything stupid. But because of my dad's overt reactions to sex, I spent years of confusion and pain trying to come up with any answer to my sexuality other than the simplest, I'm just gay. Luckily, because of my mom's open mind, I was able to slowly chip away at years of hatred to reveal my true self. And while the thought of a gay son may terrify some, at least I'm also a happy, loving, and trusting son.

It may just be my perception, but anti-porn rules usually end up being used to enforce anti-gay sentiment. My first encounter with this was in my home town of less than 30,000. The only real book store was two miles from my house, but well worth the trip. It was huge, had a coffee house to read in, and a more diverse selection than the local library. Around the same time that Pokemon Tournaments filled the cafe every Saturday some new titles were added that got the attention of the church and myself. In the Erotic section were two books about homosexuality. Books, meaning with little or no pictures. A week later in church we got to hear about the "pornography" that was being peddled by the Books-A-Million, and urged to boycott them until they removed it. Just think of the children! And Books-A-Million did, they moved the Erotic section to an area of the store that could be roped off for adults only, but it turns out that wasn't enough. That's when the real ugliness came out. It wasn't ever about the Erotic section, they just wanted those faggot books out of their town. But the book store didn't budge. They refused to be bullied or censored. They defiantly stood up for their customers, even if they were hated in this tiny town. So, of course, they shut down a few years later. It was the first time I can ever remember actually hating a church. Books were my lifeline, and all because of one belief they took them away from me and everyone else, just to protect us from the gays. In Indiana a new law has been passed that makes it a felony to sell "sexually explicit material" to anyone under 13. Not just pornography, but theoretically sex-ed books, books on Greek mythology, the law has no concrete definition. Nobody's been hit with it yet, and the local booksellers are already taking it to the Supreme Court, but you can bet that if some kid sees a penis, some heads are going to roll.

I can't force anyone to accept sex as a normal part of life. And I would never want to, it should be something you discover on your own. But on the same side, don't tie up our courts over trivial bullshit and start a witch hunt over people who appreciate literature and respect individual choice. If you're really worried about what your kids are reading then why not talk to them about it. Explain to them with solid arguments why something is unacceptable and then let them defend it. If it's forbidden it'll just be more tempting to defy you and read behind your back. I suppose if your goal in life is to raise sheltered, naive, sexually-neutered children that's your business. But it's not the government's job, it's not the publisher's job, it's not the clerk's job, it's your job. And if you find your son looking at a penis despite all your efforts, it's your own damn fault.

A brief discussion with God.

Dorian...Dorian...Dorian! Are you listening to Me? It is I, God, your Lord and Creator.

Wow! God? Like, capital G God? I always figured You were really just a creation of Man.

Would you put that bong down for two seconds and listen to Me or am I going to have to start burning bushes?

Okay, I'm sorry. What is it?

Well, frankly it's this whole "gay" thing. See, according to scripture I'm afraid that you're a sinner.

Well of course I am. We all are. You're the one who created me, aren't You?

What did I just finish telling you? Yes! All of the human race was created in My image.

Well then, I have to ask, why did You make me gay? Why did You make a tenth of the world gay for that matter?

Shit! I mean, that's no different than babies that are born addicts. You see, it all goes back to Original Sin...I think.

Sorry, but it's going to take more than that to convince me.

Well, you just better hope I don't go Sodom and Gomorrah on your ass! After all, they were gay! Weren't they?

I don't know. The Bible's so vague that they could be anything. The only specific thing I've ever heard mentioned is that they were hellbent on raping people, not that they were gay. Don't You remember? You were pretty biblical with them.

Not really. That was all so long ago. And I had a lot of anger issues before My Son was born. Oh, but what about "Thou shalt not lay with a man as thou lay with a woman?" That's in the Bible, isn't it?

Yeah, something like that, but I've got news for You, God. The way I lay with a man is completely different from the way I lay with a woman. I don't even lay with women. Seems to me that You're just telling the bisexuals to make up their damn minds.

Watch your language.

Sorry, God.

Anyway, that's not the point. If you have sex with a man than you can't have babies. And without babies how are we going to populate the earth? It's a waste of seed, and I know that's a sin.

Uh, God? Give or take, how many people were walking around when You wrote the Bible?

I don't know, maybe a few hundred million? Why, how many are there now?

I think we're on our way to 7 billion right now.

7 billion! How did you even fit that many people on there?

Well, we crammed a lot of them into China and India. So what are You saying? We've successfully populated the earth?

Populated? Of course. It's over -populated! No wonder I've always got a headache, all those people down there...

So would You say that my seed is probably unneeded at this time?

Unneeded? It's downright dangerous! I didn't make enough resources to support that kind of growth. We don't need seed, we need a harvest!

Well, before You start declaring the Apocalypse, how about this? Since we can't make kids, we'll adopt the unwanted ones and try to even things out. That is, as long as You don't mind that the kids are growing up with two dads.

Honestly, I can't even keep track anymore. There's kids with no parents, kids with one parent, kids with two pairs of parents...They're all equally screwed up, so what's the difference?

Wow, thanks God! So it's okay if I'm gay?

Sure, have sex with men. What do I care? After all, Eve was just a last resort I pulled out of Adam's--

Well, I'm sure You need to get going soon but I just have one more question. Is it okay for me to get married too?

Well, I would hope you at least try to for the sake of the child. Look, Marriage is a commitment, not some magical ritual that's going to make everything alright. If you're not meant to be married than you won't be for very long.

Sorry, God. Just one last question. What about AIDS? Did You make AIDS to kill gay people?

Look, that thing came from somebody having sex with a monkey. If you have sex with someone who has sex with monkeys, then at least protect yourself. I didn't create you people to be stupid.

Well actually, a lot of people say that protected sex is a sin. You know, goes back to that whole "waste of seed" thing.

Ugh. Give Me strength. Look, Dorian, I hate to show up, condemn you, forgive you and leave; but it looks like I've got my work cut out for Me for a while.

Oh no, I understand. Thanks for clearing everything up. I'll try to pray more often and go to church if You want.

It's no problem. Just be good and try not to be a dick to anybody and we're cool. Later, man.

Later, God.